So lost in this world. I don’t know what I want to do, therefore I have nothing. Nothing to motivate me. Nothing to drive me. I feel like I could be swallowed up by a black hole and it wouldn’t make any difference. I am insignificant.

Being back home is causing the sadness to return. I’m lying in bed right now, consciously thinking about having to take the next breath because I fear that my autonomic system is going to fail. I know you’re supposed to depend on yourself for happiness but there’s only so much you can do that doesn’t depend on others. I need people to be around to be happy but they always fail me too. What in gods name am I supposed to do.

Random blurb for the moment.

I’ve decided that I need to have a job where I move every 1-2 years. And I couldn’t figure out my reasoning until just now. I don’t want to put down roots. I don’t want to get attached. Because with attachment comes pain and I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

I should start keeping track of all the times I almost ask for help and then don’t. Because it’s a lot. Because I convince myself things will be better. But they never do get better. I’m just lying to myself.